I cried leaving Uptown tonight after saying goodbye to two of my oldest, closest friends. I teared up on Lawrence turning into Lake Shore Drive, and decided to take the scenic route back by avoiding Lower Wacker. As I was driving, the song "This Road" by Jars of Clay came on, and I was reminded that I am profoundly fortunate to have such precious people in my life, and how grateful I am for grace that covers all of my relationships:
All heavy laden, acquainted with sorrow,
May Christ in our marrow carry us home.
From alabaster come blessings of laughter,
A fragrance of passion, and joy from the truth.
Grant the unbroken tears ever flowing;
A heart of contrition only for you.
May sin never hold true that love never broke through,
For God's mercy calls us: we are his own.
This road that we travel, may it be the straight and narrow.
God, give us peace and grace from you.
Sheltered with fire, our voices we raise still higher:
God give us peace and grace from you, all the day through.
I think this song is mostly about repentance, but it tied together with the difficulties and losses that my friends and I have experienced this year: old lives, homes, job security, relationships, and people... so much has changed, and many of us don't feel qualified to face the newer and harder (and sometimes better) things that are yet to come, or how to do justice to those things gone. We're sad about that, and somewhat embarrassed. Loss is awkward, and the easiest thing is to feign indifference about some of these things that are no longer the way they were before. We're often bashful to grieve; we think maybe we've cared too much. Furthermore, we know we mess up the good things we have through our inexperienced, unappreciative handling of them. I'm glad that our royal screw-ups aren't beyond redemption: we often dig our own graves, but we aren't left to despair.
Isn't it ridiculous how we can become embarrassed about loving someone? I *love* my friends. I feel conflicted toward Chicago at the moment; it's a city full of both good and bad memories and I know that for now the right thing to do is to leave. I feel like I'm fleeing; I feel like I'm breaking up. But saying goodbye to this place means leaving some rare relationships for a time, and hopefully they will become richer in different ways.
Guys, please write.
